Sexual Intimacy

This week I would like to diverge into a not so talked about topic. Most people avoid the topic of sex or expect someone else to teach their kids about sex. This is not to say they are in any way bad parents, I wouldn't blame them for not talking to their kids about it. But I would like to emphasize the need for parents to teach their kids, because it is prevalent to know about. You see, growing up, sex is this thing that you know about, but you never fully understand.
During the part in your life when you go through the "your body is changing" phase, I never had that specific talk with my parents. You know the one about how girls and guys have different body parts and the your body is special talk. At least that is what I figure is talked about seeing as I didn't have it. Continuing on, when I was in my high school years, when sex is most relevant, I was never given the sex talk by my parents. I learned all about my body and all about sex through the public school education system. In fifth grade they split boys and girls in different rooms, told us to sit down and listen, while they then played a video to educate us on our sexual reproductive organs. Throughout high school, I learned from the media, friends, and classmates, about sex. Ever so casually my friends would start talking about their sexual experiences at the lunch table. They would then look at me and go, "Oh honey, you're to innocent to hear about these things." Which, even though I was the same age as them, I was fine not to go into further discussion about this topic. Who honestly wants to talk about someone having sex while they are trying to enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This is how I learned about sex. Clearly, I was not taught properly. But this is how most of the population learns about sex. Isn't this just sad. Not only sad but in a sense terrifying. Children are teaching children about something as intimate and personal as sex. What is misunderstood or not taught is the reality of the harmful effects in participating in such physically activities. This leads to many unsuccessful relationships.
Most do not realize the importance of intimacy. From the book Marriage and Family; The Quest for intimacy it states, "We can have intimacy without sex, but we cannot have satisfying sex without intimacy. In other words, sexual satisfaction is likely to be the result of, rather than the cause of, marital satisfaction." Or also stated in the book, "Sexual desire reflects the human need for love and union. In other words, the need for intimacy has primacy over sex." Having a meaningful relationship and feeling satisfied in the relationship will not be achieved by physical touch or sex. Sex is described as enjoyable but of little or no value, if intimacy is not involved. It ends up leaving people feeling emptier than before. This I feel is crucial lesson to learn and later on teach your kids. Make sure they understand their worth. Make sure that they know that physical touch does not show the amount of love a person has for you. That they are worth way more than just their body to someone.

A statistic I found shows a good example of how wrongly sex is being taught. The survey taken states, "One in three teens reported that they had sex in the same month or before their dating relationship began; another 35 percent reported that they initiated first sex within the first three months of their relationship" (Making a Love Connection by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy). The fact being taught or not taught is that teen couples feel that real love is based on the physical relationship they have. They do not have a better understanding of the topic to know that sex is not a good indicator of love and commitment. We must all be taught by our parents how special we are. That we deserve someone who treats us well and respects and loves us. Sex is not an indicator of how much somebody loves you, intimacy is the key factor in true love and a strong relationship.

Steps for a Successful Marriage

Last week was all about dating. This week we will build on that and learn the proper way to date, in order to set you up for a strong marriage. The how to of dating.

There are four distinct steps to take over the course of a relationship. The first step is the one widely known as dating. Now to clarify, dating does not mean "hanging out" and it definitely does not mean making out. Dating is an event that is planned, payed for, and there is a specific person you are paired off with. Dating gives individuals the experience to find out what qualities they like in the opposite sex. This is a unique opportunity to have fun but not have to be fully committed to anyone. This gives you the chance to make connections with the other person, have a good time, and experience different qualities a person processes. If you find you are interested in a particular person, then you go on a second date, then a third, which leads us to the next step.
Courting, this is like dating but now you are exclusively dating one person. Make sure to distinctly have a conversation about your new status. You cannot just slide from dating to courting. If you want to have a good relationship, then talk about your relationship. It may go something like this. Boy, "I really like you and I would like it if you just dated me." Girl, "So your saying you want to be boyfriend, girlfriend?" Boy, "yes I would." Girl, "Okay!" Now obviously this sounds ridiculous, but they both know where they stand in the relationship. Neither of them are in that state of confusion where they may both like each other, they are seeing each other, but nothing has actually been confirmed that they are dating exclusively.
It is important to realize that in this stage you should still be going out on dates with this person. You want to get to know the person further and you are unable to do that just by hanging out or doing homework together. Courting is the time to start talking about family traditions, how they expect to their future home to run, or what to expect in a future home. This is where you should talk with your partner about your expectation. Make sure that you are both on the same page and you both want the same things. Everyone should use this time to build a foundation of principles that are most likely to be addressed later on in marriage. Now if your relationship is going really well, the only obvious next step is...
ENGAGEMENT. That's right. Ring, proposal, and all. This stage is for couples to clearly define what they expect of each other. If a you feel a couple contract is needed then create a contract. Major topics to talk about are money, phone plans, household chores, who will provide the income, who will stay home, if you want kids or not, how you plan on raising a family, and etc. This is a crucial time to solidify the expectations you had in engagement. It is very important to work through all of these decisions together. Of course once she says yes to your hand in marriage, the date is set, then you are both ready for the final step.
You guessed it, marriage. At this point, as a couple, you should have most decisions planned out. You both know where each other stands and are committed to make sacrifices for your significant other. Keep in mind that during engagement you guys solidified your expectations, but marriage is where you will actually test these out. There will be problems and difficulty during marriage, but because a strong foundation was set at the beginning you are able to solve the problems successfully. Marriage is a give and take relationship. No one should go into marriage thinking that their spouse will do everything for them. Marriage is about teamwork and freely giving service to the person you care about. No one benefits in the relationship from being selfish.
Remember that it is important to clearly define each step. Your relationship should have imaginary stairs not a imaginary slide. I wish you the best in your journey and hope these steps help you in your dating experience.

Dating

I feel like as people of this world we have forgotten the importance of dating. First let me explain what a date is. A date consists of three fundamental things. Is it payed for, planned, and are you paired off. When you have all three, then you will know for sure that it is a date. You may ask why this is important, well to build a lasting relationship dating is the sturdy foundation. Dating is what you build off of so it better be pretty secure.
Dating gives you the option to see the other person in different settings and in different situations. Is your date a good sport when he loses? Does your date enjoy the outdoors? The only way to truly get a feel for their personality is to create moments together where you can find out how they act. In today's world there are too many people just hanging out. I didn't think this was that big of a deal until I realized, if all you do with your significant other is hangout, lets say at his apartment, what exactly are you gonna learn? You may learn that he is really good at cuddling because you both sit on the sofa and watch movies while there. Maybe you learn that he is a good roommate because he always asks his roommates how their days have been and cleans the dishes for them. These are all good things, but how will you ever learn if he is a sore loser or that he is afraid of heights from staying at his place all the time.
The main purpose of dating is figuring out what type of person you want to marry. Marriage is such a big step, so we should treat it as such and make sure that we go on dates. We need to make sure that we are not just hanging out. From my experience, dating has taught me a lot. One date I went on, I went to a game night. I enjoyed myself a lot because I love playing game. He enjoyed playing games too but something was a little off. You could tell that the more he lost the worst his attitude became. Now he could hide it well but for an easy going board playing person like me, it just didn't feel right to continue farther. I didn't want someone who couldn't have fun playing the game no matter if they won or lost. I also went on a date with another guy and he took me on a date to make bread. There I saw how patient he was while waiting for ingredients or how nice he was to help others make bread too. Now I don't have any more experiences with ether because I didn't want anymore, but I think you get the point.
Dating is such a benefit if we use it for our advantage. The qualities that are able to be found out from simply dating is astounding. One personal thing that I look for is if my date is on time. I cannot stand lateness so right off the bat, I am a little skeptical if they show up late. This teaches me so much about what type of person he is. So me just being curious, what qualities do you guys look for while on a date? I hoped you enjoyed my insight and I wish that everyone makes an effort to go on more dates and hangout a lot less.

"He-Man Woman Haters Club"

"I... do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have to." ~Little Rascals

From a young age ,children know what they want. Girls want to play with dolls and guys want to play with trucks. And under no circumstance do they want to play with each other. This is obviously a general assumption, so there are exceptions. From my experience, I have noticed that the kids I babysit are just drawn to their gender associated toys. Now is this a bad thing? Are we as parents assuming their gender and basing how they act on their gender. The answer is yes. As parents, you respond based on your child's need. If the only way they will stop crying is to give them a blanket, then, by golly, you're gonna give them a blanket. If your little boy gets really happy when you throw him in the air, then you are going to throw him in the air. People think that the parents need to train their kids, but the kids are silently teaching us.
In Little Rascals, the whole movie is about how the boys hate the girls and the girls hate the boys. Darla herself asked, "why are boys such jerks?" The guys invent an entire club to show how much they hate woman. In no way would a parent agree to this sexist club if they were older. They would just assume that their boys are going through a stage that most boys go through at that age. Later in life, they will be infatuated by girls and everything will work out. But how do you suppose a child who doesn't know their gender is going to grow up? When the kid asks the mom "am I a boy or a girl," then the parent responds, "what do you feel like you are sweetie?" Do you see how confusing that could be? How is the child ever going to understand gender if he or she is never taught. It is the parents job to teach their children good from bad, moral values, and yes, their gender. When did we start believing that telling a child what gender they were was inconceivable.
I know this is a very controversial topic, male and female roles are said to be equal. As women, we fought so hard to become equal to our male counterpart. But are we really equal? We were created to be different and possess qualities that are unique compared to males. Can we as woman run as fast as man? Are we able to lift as much as males? Do we have great sense of direction as man? No, our mile times are different, they can lift more, and the have a better directional self. But are males able to pick up on non-verbal cues as well as woman are? Are they able to feel and relate to others as well as woman are? Do males have the natural qualities that woman have to lead? Now these are all generalizations, but hopefully I got the point across. We as males and females will never be equal. We do not possess the same qualities to be equal, but that is not a bad thing. We can use the qualities we have to affect change. 
Now I will leave you with a quote from the Little Rascals. "Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! ~Love Alfalfa

Tradition Tradition...Tradition!

When I was in seventh grade, I got the opportunity to perform in a musical called Fiddler on the Roof. If you have ever seen the musical, one of the songs performed is called Tradition. In that song, they talk about each member of the family's role. The point being made that the roles are changing and their traditions, that they have long held so close, have begun to fall away. This really affected the parents as they had to stand by and watch everything they believed in changing, but the children saw the situation differently. They couldn't understand why the parents didn't understand them. See, the parents felt like their traditions were going to be lost. Traditions are sort of like our identity, it is what makes us unique. Traditions are a family's culture. So, in what ways do traditions define the family? Which traditions do we decide to carry on and which we do we leave as part of our past?
Around the same time I was in the musical, I met my future brother-in-law. Whether this came about because of the musical or not, I'm not quite sure, but whenever he sees me, he spreads his arms out wide and sings "REBECCA, REBECCA...REBECCA" (to the tune of Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof.) Though ridiculous, this greeting always brightens my day. After time, this greeting became a sort of tradition. Now whenever I see him, it feels weird when he doesn't sing at me. This is just an example of a funny tradition that I have, but there are other traditions that affect my life in a more negative or positive way. 
When you are born into a family, you normally are required to follow suit with their predetermined beliefs. One major belief often inherited is religion. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or to others, I'm Mormon. Being Mormon has affected a lot of the decisions I have made in my life. As it is such a vital important of family and personal identity, religion affects traditions and habitual practices.
When I was playing field hockey, we all braided each other's hair before every game. Our motto was "look good, play good." It may have been silly, but this helped us bond and gave us the feeling that we could do anything. Rituals help create a sense of comfort and identity, whether individually or in groups.
Having dinner around the table each night has always been an essential part of our family identity. . We would cycle through the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning. Then, we would all sit down to a home-cooked meal and discuss our individual days. This simple act created a deep sense of unity, allowing us to create a stronger bond. This also allowed the family to coordinate schedules and rides, helping to lessen confusion.
Whenever someone in my family got into major trouble, it somehow turned into the blame game. "Well, he didn't take out the trash." "Well, she broke your favorite plate." All of a sudden, all the secrets that siblings were holding onto for each other would spill out. Was this the best way to handle the situation? Probably not. But hey, mom can't punish us all, right? Oh how dead wrong we were. Or when mom would ask who's doing the dishes, we would play nose goes. Or maybe the tradition of  how the oldest gets the front set in the car. Or are family tradition of never finishing anything...

Silent Signals

Humans are the most unpredictable things that have every existed!!

I  will just offer some examples if you are wondering how. So,

There are so many different ways, we as people, interpret others around us. For example, if a guy picks up your books for you(assuming you are female) how would you react? Well, that depends on one main fact, was the guy attractive? A girl who found him attractive would think that he is the sweetest person she has ever met, on the other hand if she found him ugly then she would be repulsed and think he was a creep.
If you did not like that example, how about the way we base others on their clothes. Lets say that you are a manager of a store and a group of teenage kids who wore baseball caps and low hanging pants walked in. At that same time, a little kid with his mother walks in. Now, who would you expect to steal something from your store? Obviously the gang of guys, but guess what, it was actually the mother who stole something. She just lost her job, had no money, and needed food for her kid.

Going along with that story:
My mom would just be washing the dishes after a long day at work, and this was our cue to stay away. I personally thought that she was always upset at us for not cleaning anything while she was gone, which I am sure was sometimes the case. Later, I asked her why she would always clean the dishes when she came home from work? She replied that it relaxed her. I was clearly uniformed in what I thought was her upset and distressing face.
I could go on and on about misinterpretations in the families our with others, but I think you get the jist. The thing to pull out of this reading, is that communication is key. Not just talking, but explaining the reasons behind your actions. We should not assume we know what type of person someone is by their look. Just like we cannot assume we know how someone is feeling based on their expression. A simple smile could mean your upset or you could just be faking happiness. You will never actually know unless you ask.
The problem most people face is assuming you know what the other person is going to do, how they feel, why they did what they did. We assume to much!! I will say this one more time. STOP assuming, just ask! One time, well actually this happened way more than once, but that is besides the point. One time, my whole family was at the temple and we decided to go eat somewhere afterwards. We took about three different vehicles. They were full of family and friends (remember I am in a family of ten). Well, we got to the restaurant, got a table, ordered our food, and ate almost all our food when my mom gets a phone call. Turns out, we left my sister Melissa at the temple. No one knew because we were all sitting at different tables and we all came in different cars. My mom thought she was with my dad. My dad thought she was with my mom. But really, she was with no one. I love my family, but we are the epitome of miscommunication and wrong signal interpretations sometimes. Don't worry she was fine, and got food to make up for her bad experience. This just goes to show you,  always use the buddy system...I mean, communicate.
Another, not so scarring story, is the time when I made treats for some friends. I love making treats, but let's be honest, baking is a lot of work. So when I put in a ton of effort, I expect praise for the delicious goodness. What actually ended up happening was they denied my amazing gooey, highly fatty treat. Ohh, how crushed I was! What could I have possibly done wrong? Are they made at me? Is this the end of our friendship? Is this the end of the world? Okay, Okay, a little melodramatic, but you get the point. I had no idea what to think until I asked them. Turns out, they just started a diet and didn't want to eat the unhealthy food I baked. And on the plus side, now I know next time to get them a veggie tray.;)

Family Views

When I was little, I would go around playing with my dolls and explain to everyone how I wanted a big family. Seven kids at the most, and six kids at the least. Five kids was obviously not enough, but eight was just way too many. While I had this certain point of view on how many children you should have, growing up, I soon realized that everyone else's opinion was way different. As I went through school, I started slowly changing my mind. My idea of seven or six, went to three or four, which eventually lead to two or three children. And now I can't even decide, but lets be real I have time.

Anyway, the trends and opinions of the world affected my views on children. If it wasn't everyone's surprised face when I explained how any children I wanted, then it was definitely the world wide view of two children, a boy and a girl. The media has affected others views with comments that express children being the cause of ruined marriages and eventually divorces. Or my personal favorite, the act of having a big family is selfish. "You have created to many carbon footprints and are hogging all the resources. We have an over population problem and you are the cause." First of all selfish? I don't have kids but I babysit and know many parents with young kids. Raising a kid is anything but selfish. Second, lets all take a moment and think about the reasoning behind these statements. The whole world thinks that we are over populated. There is this agreement that in the future we will run out space to grow crops, therefore killing our source of survival, our food supply. So the solution...limit the amount of kids we have.

Now, I love numbers and I love facts. So, let me expand your knowledge and provide you with a fun fact. The truth is, yes, there are way more people on this planet than there once was at the beginning, but no we are not overpopulated. In a interesting experiment, they figured out the area of Texas and then divided it by human population. They found out that everyone in the world could fit in Texas with 2.3 acres per person. Now I don't know about you, but if we can fit in that small state with a few acres, then surely we have room for some more people. (You can read more about this in the links provided at the bottom of the post.)

I would like to share a quote with you that changed my perspective on the idea of having children or how many children I should have. It reads,

“There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.” President Brigham Young

Only Four of the Eight plus DAD!

I am not saying that everyone should go out and have three more kids, but I do think it is important to realize the obligation we have. I am not married, I do not have kids, I do not understand all of the struggles that parenting implies, but I do believe that everyone should keep an open mind on the number of children you have. I was the seventh child of eight, at any time my mom could have stopped. I would have been born to another family and there is no telling who I would have become. But because my mom prayed and listened to the spirit, she was able to get confirmation that eight children was the right number for her family. All I want to leave you with is the possibility to have as many children you feel is right, because it would just be sad to think that one spirit missed the opportunity to be raised in such an amazing family.

http://www.zo.utexas.edu/courses/thoc/texas.html